Perhaps you've felt like like you're only pretending to be an adult who's capable of making major financial decisions or raising another human being, even though everyone else seems to have everything figured out.

Listen to the podcast version here

I remember how much of an imposter I felt like at my first "real" programmer job. I had been hired by Nasdaq to redesign the User Interface for an internal risk management tool. I heard a lot of big words flying by such as "Data Transfer Object", "Deltas", "Ephemeral Storage", and many more.

I felt like a child in a room with grownups and it took me a long time to figure out that people don't use big words because it helps communicate better, they use them because it makes them sound smart. Have you ever been in that position, and how did it make you feel?

What Is Imposter Syndrome

Imposter syndrome is the belief many of us hold that we aren't actually as capable or smart as others think we are, no matter how much evidence there is that we're successfully navigating our lives, jobs, and relationships.

Imposter syndrome isn’t a diagnosis or a medical problem, but a pattern of thinking that can lead to self-doubt, negative self-talk and missed opportunities.

According to the Journal of General Internal Medicine, more than eight out of ten people experience feelings of imposter syndrome. Thus, it is a phenomenon experienced by many, and pointing that out can help normalize it.

Symptoms of Imposter Syndrome

The symptoms of imposter syndrome typically include:

• Attributing any success to luck or other reasons
• Having a fear of being seen as a failure or fraud
• Telling yourself that overworking is the only way to meet expectations.
• Feeling unworthy of attention or affection
• Refraining from reaching attainable goals

At work, you may attribute your accomplishments to luck rather than your own abilities and work ethic, which may be holding you back from asking for a raise or applying for a promotion. You may also think that the only way to achieve the high standards you've set is by overworking yourself.

At home and in relationships you may feel unworthy of the affection you receive from a partner or friends, and you may live in fear of anyone you're close to discovering you're not as great as they think you are.

The Link Between Shame and Imposter Syndrome

Shame becomes fear. Fear leads to risk aversion. Risk aversion kills innovation. - Peter Sheahan

Shame is the fear of disconnection. You are psychologically, emotionally, and physiologically hardwired for connection and a sense of belonging. Shame is the fear that something you've done or failed to do makes you unworthy of that connection. I'm not good enough for this job, I can't relate to these people who seem to know exactly what they're doing.

We often want to believe that shame is only for those who have survived something terrible, but in reality it is something we all experience. Shame is one of the most primitive human emotions and the only ones who don't experience it are sociopaths.

We are all afraid to talk about shame, and the less we talk about it, the more control it has over our lives. When shame controls your life, you are less effective and more sensitive to other people's opinion of you.

The power of shame is rooted in being unspeakable. That's why we're so drawn to perfectionism, it functions to keep us from talking about our shame. Just as exposure to light drives out the darkness, language and story bring light to shame and render it irrelevant. In a way, that is what I am doing by writing this blog. How could I feel shame when I have voluntarily shared my deepest fears and secrets?

A sense of worthiness inspires us to be vulnerable, share openly, and persevere. Shame keeps us small, resentful, and afraid. When we connect our self-worth to what we produce, we disengage, blame, gossip, stagnate, and kill our creativity and innovation.

From my experience, imposter syndrome is a variation of shame. Again, shame is the result of believing that the results we get is indicative of our self-worth, and imposter syndrome is the fear that what we produce isn't good enough in the eyes of others because we lack certain skills.

The fear of not producing well enough leads to perfectionism because we believe that if we just do everything perfectly, nobody can judge us. The problem with this mindset is that it shifts your focus from being effective to caring about what others think, and just like shame this results in disconnection.

The solution to impostor syndrome is exposing it. The root cause of imposter syndrome is shame, and the root cause of shame is keeping your doubts hidden.

The Solution

Eliminating shame entirely from your life isn't possible. As long as you care about connection - which all social animals do, the fear of disconnection, and thus shame, will always be a part of your life.

The objective shouldn't be to eliminate shame but rather to build resilience towards it. You have to learn to recognize shame and understand what triggers it, practice awareness of whether your fears are realistic, reach out for empathy, and speak up about your shame.

Focus on the Facts

The first step towards managing shame, and by extension imposter syndrome, is creating awareness around when you feel shame and what triggers it.

You can't prevent your mind from creating stories, but you can ground yourself in the facts. Observe your feelings and ask yourself if the thoughts you are having are valid and factual. Just because you think something, doesn't mean it's true.

Keep Track of Your Accomplishments

Whenever I feel down, it's helpful to remind myself of my past accomplishments. I may feel frustrated from working on a task that is making me doubt my abilities but remembering how I worked my way up from Junior Developer to Senior Developer within a year is guaranteed to make me feel a little better.

Start maintaining a list of everything you have accomplished in the past that you're particularly proud of. During tough times you can refer back to this list and direct your mind to think positively rather than wallow in self-pity and negative thought.

Writing this list may seem like a weird idea, but doesn't it feel great when a friend shares some inspiring words during hard times? You can choose to be that friend for yourself and I can tell you from personal experience that it works.

Stop Comparing

Comparison is to shame what gasoline is to an engine. Focus on your own results rather than comparing them to those of others. There is nothing to be achieved by comparison; it won't make you feel better in the long-term under any circumstance and it will set you on a path of scarcity.

Always keep in mind that the smartest, highest-achieving individuals most often suffer from imposter syndrome. The fact that it is something you recognize in yourself says a lot about you.

Let Go of Perfectionism

While perfectionism can be helpful in some contexts, it can be a major obstacle for productivity and imposter syndrome.

By seeking to be perfect, you will ultimately only demotivate yourself. Setting standards which are unattainable will only make you feel as if you're never good enough and you'll miss out on the rewarding feeling of accomplishment.

Perfectionism also drives a wedge between yourself and others. People may not want to work with you because they sense your impossibly high expectations and they'll want to avoid the overworking and overthinking you impart on them.

Talk to Others

As previously mentioned, shame derives its power from being unspoken and resonates mosts with perfectionists because it serves to keep us quiet. You can either fall for the illusion of perfection or you can accept that perfect is the enemy of good enough and open up about your struggles.

If you do decide to talk about your shame, you will be in a place where you are able to say "I am hurt and I feel weak, but recognition and approval aren't what I'm after. I am driven to create results, and this experience will only teach me how to do so better".

If you don't feel comfortable reaching out to coworkers or friends another option is to seek therapy. A therapist has been professional trained to help you create the awareness to recognize imposter syndrome and create new behaviors to move beyond it.

Tags

• apply
• commit