Building confidence requires continuously practicing your skills until they become second nature. Whatever we want to feel comfortable doing, we must put in the effort to practice it. The actions come first, and the feelings of confidence follow as a result of that work.

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My Story

My own journey of finding confidence started while I lived in a beautiful beach area in San Diego a few years ago. From the outside, my life seemed picture-perfect. I was making good money, I was able to surf right in my backyard, I spent a lot of time reading, and I was achieving all of my financial goals.

On the inside, however, I felt a lack. I felt empty and instead of looking within I decided to set an even bigger goal, buying an investment property, and used weed to numb myself. The new goal and self-medicating worked to keep me distracted, but I knew something was wrong - even my sleep was suffering.

After I successfully purchased a duplex and moved out of state I decided to try EMDR therapy in order to discover why I still didn't feel "right". Eventually, my therapist helped me recognize that all I was doing was distracting myself because deep down I felt utterly and truly lonely. Once I accepted and integrated these uncomfortable feelings I started prioritizing my friendships and the contributions I made, that was a true inflection point in my life.

Lack of Confidence

A lack of confidence and the fear of failure are typically rooted in the following:

• Emotions such as fear and anxiety
• Memories of failures or mistakes in the past
• Images of things going badly in the future
• Thoughts about failure, doing things wrong, or not being good enough
• Sensations such as a racing heart, dry mouth, or butterflies in your stomach

The most common reasons people lack confidence are excessive expectations, harsh self-judgment, preoccupation with fear, lack of experience, and lack of skill.

Thoughts and Beliefs

We can't stop our minds from generating negative thoughts because we evolved to always be on the lookout and be prepared for danger. Our brains are always trying to anticipate what might go wrong. This isn't a sign of a weak mind; it's a natural result of the product of evolution.

The thoughts and beliefs our minds generate that make reasons as to why we can't do the things we really want to can be categorized as such:

• Obstacles: Sometimes, your mind just keeps reiterating all the obstacles and difficulties that lie in your path without offering solutions.
• Self-judgments: Your mind is constantly on the lookout for what can be improved upon, but critique and judgment aren't helpful.
• Comparisons: If your mind just prattles on about how others are better than you or have more, you'll always feel a lack.
• Predictions: When your mind starts predicting failure, rejection, or other unpleasant outcomes, and you identify with those beliefs, you will quit before you know it.

Core Values

Most books and courses on self-development place a major emphasis on setting goals. However, clarifying your values first is essential if you want to achieve your goals. Values give you the inspiration and motivation to persist during times of hardship, and they keep you on track. If you pursue goals that aren't aligned with your values, it will lead to disappointment in the end.

The society we live in defines success in terms of achieving certain goals such as fame, wealth, status, and respect; a big house, a fancy car, and a large salary. If you identify with this standard of success, you set yourself up for unnecessary suffering because you will always be striving to reach the next goal. The illusion of "when I achieve this or that goal, then I will be successful" leads to numerous problems. First, there is no guarantee you will achieve your goal. Second, even if you achieve your goal, it will not give you lasting happiness. Third, identifying with this belief will put you under a great deal of pressure because you have to keep achieving. If you don't, you're a "has-been," a failure, or a loser.

True success is being exactly who you are by living in alignment with your values. This doesn't mean giving up on your goals; it means you use your values to set your goals.

Fear

There is a tremendous amount of energy within your fears. The flight-or-fight response evolved over millions of years to prepare our bodies for action, but you have to build a positive relationship with fear to make use of it. Don't fight your fear; allow it, befriend it, and channel it. Successful athletes, businesspeople, and stage performers do this by viewing their fears as being "pumped" or "amped" rather than afraid.

To put your fears to good use, create a daring adventure:

• Pick a domain of life (relationships, work, fun, or health)
• Clarify your values (what sort of character do you want to develop?)
• Set goals using your values (what is your life going to look like one year from now?)
• Specify actions (what is the simplest, easiest thing you can do today?)
• Take action by immersing yourself in tasks and distancing yourself from negative thoughts.

Feeling Stuck

When you feel stuck, it is typically caused by F.E.A.R.

• Fusion: the more ambitious the goal you pursue, the more reasons your mind will give you as to why it can't be done. If you fuse or identify with those thoughts, they can become major obstacles.
• Excessive goals: if your goal exceeds your resources, you will fail. So ask yourself, "is this goal in some way excessive? Am I trying to do too much, too soon?"
• Avoidance of discomfort: stepping out of your comfort zone causes discomfort such as fear, anxiety, nerves, self-doubt, and insecurity. Ask yourself: "what thoughts and feelings am I trying to avoid or get rid of? What sort of discomfort am I struggling with?"
• Remoteness from values: Your values provide the motivation to step out of your comfort zone and do something that's likely to bring up uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. Ask yourself: "What values am I forgetting, neglecting, or acting inconsistently with?"

The solution to F.E.A.R. is to D.A.R.E.

• Defusion: once you know what thoughts are hooking you, you can notice them, name them, and neutralize them. Engage fully in what you are doing, and let your thoughts come and go like passing cars.
• Acceptance of discomfort: There is no such thing as a pain-free life. But you do have a choice about the type of pain you experience. You can choose the pain of stagnation, or you can choose the pain of growth.
• Realistic goals: If your goal exceeds your resources, then you have two options. One option is to temporarily put your goal on hold until you've gained the necessary resources. Once you have the necessary resources, you can return to the original goal. The second option is to scale down the goal to fit the resources available. Ask yourself: "What is the smallest, simplest, and easiest step I can take in the next 24 hours that would take me one inch closer to my goal?"
• Embracing values: What matters to you in the big picture? What sort of life do you want to live? Get in touch with these values; reflect on them, and let them guide you. When the going gets tough, remind yourself what you're standing for.

Failure

There is no denying that failure hurts, but if you're willing to embrace it as a lesson, failure can be one of your most powerful teachers.

Distance yourself from negative thoughts, don't fight nature by trying to get rid of them but engage fully in whatever you are doing and let your thoughts come and go.

Instead of ignoring painful sensations in your body, make space for them by observing and breathing into them.

Be kind to yourself. Mental resilience, the ability to persist despite being in pain, develops through self-acceptance and the ongoing commitment to acting on core values.

Be grateful for what did work, no matter how small. There were undoubtedly some things that improved over the last time you tried. Being mindful of these improvements teaches you to be kind to yourself.

Pause and reflect on the results. Every failure gives us an opportunity to learn and grow, so ask yourself what you could do differently next time and get back to it once you have given yourself sufficient time to recover.

Worrying

No matter how negative, unhelpful, or painful your thoughts are, they will not create worry if you defuse from them. The more you identify with negative thoughts, the more you lose contact with the world around you.

• Grow awareness about what worrying is and how identifying with your thoughts increases feeling disconnected
• Identify the cost of worrying such as missing out on life and not being in the present
• Distance yourself from reasons to worry. Worrying increases procrastination, impairs action, and brings about a state of stress and anxiety
• Distinguish worry from taking care of your problems. Identifying with negative thoughts will not help you take effective action

When you label someone as confident, you have no idea what they are thinking or feeling. But you can observe what they are doing and how they are behaving. One thing you'll always notice about confident people is that they are highly engaged in whatever they are doing. Having negative thoughts isn't the problem; the problem is your internal dialogue and being disengaged from the present.

You Are Not Your Thoughts

Negative thoughts are normal to have. Don't waste energy trying to get rid of them; defuse them instead. Defusing enables you to take effective action and fully engage in whatever you are doing.

There are many techniques to defuse from your thoughts, but they all involve the following steps:

• Notice your thoughts by pausing for a second and paying attention to what your mind is saying. Oftentimes just being aware of your thoughts is enough to get some distance from them.
• Name your thoughts so you can discover patterns such as worrying. Use a sense of humor or metaphors to make this process more effective.
• Neutralize your thoughts by putting them into a new context where you can see them clearly for what they are: words and pictures; they are nothing you need to run away from.

Self-Acceptance

Self-acceptance is important because you won't get the exact results you want whenever you step out of your comfort zone. When you make a mistake, your mind is typically not very kind to you. But if beating yourself up were a good way to change your behavior, wouldn't you be perfect by now?

Instead of obsessing about the outcome, get passionate about the process. If you want to develop true confidence and find the most fulfillment in what you do, you need to commit to the process, engage in it fully, and detach from the outcome.

Autopilot vs. Avoidance

There are two modes of responding to painful emotions, autopilot, and avoidance. In autopilot mode, you are at the mercy of your emotions. You aren't mindful of what you are doing, and you aren't in touch with your values. In avoidance mode, you do whatever you can to rid rid of or avoid unpleasant feelings. Common tactics include distraction, isolation, and substance use.

The solutions to autopilot and avoidance are engagement and expansion. Engagement is being fully conscious, living in the present, and being fully connected to whatever you are doing, it is the direct opposite of autopilot. Expansion is the opposite of avoidance; rather than trying to get rid of negative feelings, you open up and accommodate them. The more space you can give those unpleasant feelings, the smaller their impact and influence on your life.

Motivation

Having "no motivation" is quite literally impossible. Every action you take has some underlying motivation, even if you're not consciously aware of it. Motivation isn't some magical pill that gives you the power to do whatever you want, it is simply the desire to do it. Most of us confuse motivation with feeling good about something during times of excitement and inspiration. But this view pulls you back into the trap of trying to get the right feelings before taking action.

Conclusion

The key to performing at your best is total engagement in the task at hand without identifying with negative thought. The more you take actions of confidence, the more you can rely on yourself to step out of your comfort zone and learn from your failures, and as a result, the more your performance improves. The better your performance, the more likely you are to feel confident. But if you wait to take action until you feel confident, you will always be waiting.

Six Habits for Conquering Anxiety and Depression

I used to feel like the empty shell of a person just going through the motions of life. People jokingly referred to me as a robot and described me as overly logical without any apparent emotions. I was depressed, anxious, and didn't understand the point of being alive.

I learned the importance of analyzing my needs and wants, consuming information and resources that got me excited about life, doing what needed to be done to close the gap with where I wanted to be, and finding rest within myself to be free from anxiety and disturbances. I also learned how to trust myself and to rely on a solid group of friends allowing me to tap into an enormous amount of strength.

I summarized everything I learned in the Six Habits for Conquering Anxiety and Depression e-book to help you make the same journey. You can sign up for my newsletter on the bottom of this page to receive blog updates (never spam), and you will receive the ebook for free.

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